Everyone is afraid of time. I am permanently this babyish tot that never grew up. Disregard either the "good" or "bad" of it. That is me. It is a big problem for external reasons. A baby screams; they must scream. I scream; I must be insane. A toddler is hurt; they scream out for parent. I am deeply hurt; I boil up inside with the urge to scream out for "mommy". Gender mustn't exist by this. I just know that is the word ingrained deeply within me.
I have no Delusions of Grandeur. No particular Schizo-based symptoms, other than Paranoid types. I have no atypical delusions or hallucinations; although I do have Psychosis. I also have Hypnagogia and some apparent issues with Acetylcholine replenishing, but I do not count those in this circumstance. The main extents of my more typical delusions are only delusions by Alienist Reasoning (identity and love-based ones). And I am clearly grounded enough in Reason, despite my severe neurological disabilities, to detect far more than the average person.
So what gives? Well, other than having BPD and primarily describing myself and all of my mood by external things (stimuli, people, opinions...), I do seem fairly stable. I am, in fact, so resilient, that no one in my life could ever give me any advice on being more resilient, except for me. One, closer friend of mine has even told me recently, of their own accord, that I am Hope. As in, I am hope itself. I am a resplendent pillar of it. ...It is the greatest, and possibly most authentic, compliment I have ever received...
The issue is my Mixology. A term I invented; describing the totality of all circumstances (contexts and situations), relative to something. In this case, it is the totality relative to me. The term Mixology is not timeless, either, so this is only to describe the present moment. If we took my Mixology of all time thus far; everything that has ever happened in relation to me, I would say it is beyond grim. That is my life. That is what has defined me. Nothing more, nothing less. And, as Entanglist thought goes, harmony is the solution to issues. A confluence, a concordance, a symbiosis. I have none of that. And I never believed I ever would. I stayed alive for the meager hope that it could. "Why not see what would have remained for me, if I did stay?...", I had said in my youth. And that mostly ended my chances at suicide. I had given up my self, too. See, that "harmony" is only gained through what I would call selflessness. A zealous devotion, sacrifice, and more... ..I gave up everything for you.
I made myself a bitch to time. And I feel like everyone is afraid of me, now.