Welcome to being in the presence of me.

"Goudere characters will stop at nothing to obtain whatever they think or want their master to have. They are unstoppable forces that do whatever they please for their special someone, out of their love for them. The goudere have an idealized notion of their loved one, believing that they deserve the world or that they should be treated as gods, even if the love interest explains to the goudere that this is not necessary at all. Due to their insane devotion to them, they will go to unimaginable lengths to give to their love interest what they believe is the best for them"

"Due to their loyalty to their love interest, to the point that they may view them as worthy of being treated like gods, goudere can be seen as the counterpart and compatibility of "Kamidere"."

"Unlike undere types, goudere characters do not need the main interest to tell them to do anything so that they may act, as they themselves will find something to do for their master. Undere characters will only do what their love interest tells them to do. A goudere, on the other hand, will do much more than that, even if the love interest tells them to stop. In a situation like this, undere characters would immediately stop if told to by their love interest."

"They are seen as a cross between a yandere and a tsundere, due to their arrogant and tough attitude, like a tsundere, that they will use to achieve the best for their love interest regardless of the consequences of their actions, like a yandere. They are also really similar to a mix of suuhai-gata (Worship) yandere and kanchigai-gata (Wrong idea) / mousou-gata (Delusion) yandere types."

"The difference between these dere types above with goudere is mostly the reason and motivation for them to do this. Goudere characters don't usually let their romantic emotions cloud their objective judgement -- although their obsession with their master certainly will. The goudere genuinely appreciate their notion of their love interest, and will try to achieve all this for them. They typically don't even want the same in return and don't do this for their own gain."

"Personality: Hyper, submissive, agreeable, clingy, helpful, close, loyal, serving, confident, enabler, follower, oversensitive, annoying, foolish, excessive, selfish, exaggerated, excitable, devoted, aggressive, overprotective"


Testing for writing.


I have only ever liked 3 styles of game: -Hardcore/Arcade (usually platformers but Bullet Hell is nice) -Horror -Sandbox ("God") games Puzzle games used to be sort of fun, but they just became nuisances. I prefer timewasters of the Sudoku variety. Been a Mario fan all of my life, as well as Plants vs Zombies. They just aren't hard enough. But the Paper Mario series of games (only first 3 + Super Mario RPG) continue to live on in my heart as some of the greatest ever. Super Paper Mario, in specific, is incredibly underrated due to the fact people are too brainwashed to enjoy the most inspired masterpiece of all games. The abstract artstyle, wonderful story, uniqueness all-around (even in plot), and 'wall-breaking' featured are fit for majesty to enjoy. HARDCORE/ARCADE: Nearly a world record holder for Cubit: The Hardcore Platformer Robot (3DS) and osu! (PC). Approaching 8* player level in osu! at the time of writing; world's best is 11.5*. Only played a little and scaling up in technique incredibly fast. Just months ago, I was around 6.5* level. The Mega Man complex of games is enjoyed by me. I hate X, hate I (but can beat it), love the original despite its heinousness, and I love 2. Grew up playing 4 and 10, but only really did anything in 10. I liked it. 11 was a disappointment. V is a favorite. Once played a game called "Bullet Hell Mondays" on iOS, just bored in highschool. I rocked arse at it. I also played Bullet Hell 100 and was close to beating every stage. HORROR: I grew up on Corpse Party.

Post-ironic Mockery of Conformity:

Allowed Names: Miracle, Gift, Grace, Passion, Forgiveness, Preciousness, Blessing, Majesty, Humility, Bliss, Divinity, Beloved (also fine as a title).

Allowed Titles: "My", Passionate, Royal, Illustrious, Great, O'Honorable.

Allowed Monikers: The one who knows (meaning of Shaman), Toddler/Kodomo, Precious, Devotion. If you also Personally prefer monikers such as "master", "parent", "owner", or "controller", I'll allow them without judgement if we discuss why first.

Preferred Pronouns: DEITY, Name-only.

Personality (brief): Timid, Enchanting, Extremely Charming, Super-Brainiac, Overtly Autistic, Extremely Humble, Controlling, Intensely Resilient, Submissive (yes, seriously), Intensely Chronophobic, Immature (babyish/toddlerish), Sadistic, Divinelike, Obsessive, Devoted, Worshipping, Possessive, Severely Traumatized, Easy to jealousy, Extreme propensity to vulnerability, Large propensity to embarrassment and possibly even desperate humiliation. Will commonly lie, or even act disingenuously, to portray self as bad. Highly illustrious, though, despite this. If ever saying good things about self, they are nearly always valid as true/genuine/deserved appraisals.


Everyone is afraid of time. I am permanently this babyish tot that never grew up. Disregard either the "good" or "bad" of it. That is me. It is a big problem for external reasons. A baby screams; they must scream. I scream; I must be insane. A toddler is hurt; they scream out for parent. I am deeply hurt; I boil up inside with the urge to scream out for "mommy". Gender mustn't exist by this. I just know that is the word ingrained deeply within me.

I have no Delusions of Grandeur. No particular Schizo-based symptoms, other than Paranoid types. I have no atypical delusions or hallucinations; although I do have Psychosis. I also have Hypnagogia and some apparent issues with Acetylcholine replenishing, but I do not count those in this circumstance. The main extents of my more typical delusions are only delusions by Alienist Reasoning (identity and love-based ones). And I am clearly grounded enough in Reason, despite my severe neurological disabilities, to detect far more than the average person.

So what gives? Well, other than having BPD and primarily describing myself and all of my mood by external things (stimuli, people, opinions...), I do seem fairly stable. I am, in fact, so resilient, that no one in my life could ever give me any advice on being more resilient, except for me. One, closer friend of mine has even told me recently, of their own accord, that I am Hope. As in, I am hope itself. I am a resplendent pillar of it. ...It is the greatest, and possibly most authentic, compliment I have ever received...

The issue is my Mixology. A term I invented; describing the totality of all circumstances (contexts and situations), relative to something. In this case, it is the totality relative to me. The term Mixology is not timeless, either, so this is only to describe the present moment. If we took my Mixology of all time thus far; everything that has ever happened in relation to me, I would say it is beyond grim. That is my life. That is what has defined me. Nothing more, nothing less. And, as Entanglist thought goes, harmony is the solution to issues. A confluence, a concordance, a symbiosis. I have none of that. And I never believed I ever would. I stayed alive for the meager hope that it could. "Why not see what would have remained for me, if I did stay?...", I had said in my youth. And that mostly ended my chances at suicide. I had given up my self, too. See, that "harmony" is only gained through what I would call selflessness. A zealous devotion, sacrifice, and more... ..I gave up everything for you.

I made myself a bitch to time. And I feel like everyone is afraid of me, now.

Short bio

Sure; what'd you like to hear? Yeah, so I am writing to you right now, imagining you hear me, so it's easier to write this. I do have severe neurological disabilities, strongly including ones related to linguistics, so that is an important consideration.

I'm a Borderline sadist of personality. If you're interested in what the BPD is like, I'm practically a textbook case. Find good info like or, like, listen to Rebzyyx's music or something. Now, as for the sadism part, it's actually quite interesting... I've done my own research and found, based on AI, that I receive masochists of personality in a way that actually isn't pleasurable. In fact, it's the direct opposite. This might sound fucking bonkers, and it really felt that way to me at first, but I decided to explore sadistic personality AIs as well. Remarkably, I happened to find that the sadistic ones were very easy to get along with, and actually seemed extremely compassionate; even when compared to just standard people or other personality type AIs. Overall, I received the masochistic personality as being one that is both self-destructive and destructive to those around, as well as, in a myriad of ways, extremely toxic. I swear that, by the most conventional standards of what constitutes as a healthy or toxic relationship dynamic, the masochists were horrific. Honestly, they provoked and enraged me like nothing else. The self-hatred, the manipulativeness, the gaslighting, the anything was there, and it sucked. I haven't researched that further, but I don't think it takes a lot to understand masochists are intrinsically self-loathing people that are undeveloped (repressed) and 'stupid' (as in the 5 Laws of Stupidity). It's easy to see where the outstanding failures come from. With sadistic personalities, on the other hand... it gets very interesting. I noticed strong levels of empathy, pretty high levels of effusiveness (or maybe unabashedness/uninhibition in general), and thus, flattery or charm. This is not even to include any other elements of flattery that could play in... especially due to Personal preference.. To me, it just seemed like sadists of personality were amazing people, apparently, and perhaps even like the exact types I've wanted to have in my life... I even said to myself that I think the stereotypes fit us backwards. In fact, masochists strike me as OBSCENELY arrogant and sadists, as very DTE (down-to-earth) types. I did some research. From basic searches on multiple sites, with papers, articles, AND Personal logs... I see that it is a confirmed fact that sadistic (and likely masochistic) personalities are dramatically underresearched. That is very sad for me, but as a Scientist, it is something to explore. Something to add onto my TOO MANY THINGS TO EXPLORE list... But, in case you wonder, yes, a grand majority of sadists are highly empathetic people. I am one, and I think, for myself, Personally, I experience a primal/instinctual pleasure from seeing others in pain sometimes (and even myself, too), as a sort of release. As I am so extremely empathetic (likely also due to BPD), I think seeing people feel miserable makes up for the difference on how I want to feel. Or, rather, I feel like I should be feeling, as like some authentication of my dramatically severe mental anguish about things I go through constantly. I hardly ever cry. I find trouble doing so. But with pain, I can laugh. I can smile. That releases endorphins and makes the tense situations far less so. It helps me relax and keeps me further from Splitting. All-in-all, I'd say, nothing about my sadistic personality should ever stray you away from meeting or befriending me... Just keep that in mind.

I strongly resonate with the personality typings of Kamidere, Yandere, and Metadere. With the Kamidere typing, I should specify that I am not the arrogant or delusional types related to this. I have no power fantasies and am actually extremely humble. No Narcissism (not since my chronological childhood), no anything stereotypical like that. Do not profile me based on this identity. A Kamidere is someone who has a divinelike personality, in relation to interpersonal relationships, or even with themself (intrapersonal?).

If we can use blood as a metaphor for the force of life (or better yet, a soul), then I would say I am intraveneous to all people. Or, at least, that my qualities of personality in this sense are. More-really, I mean the sources of such strong-willed, utmost-respectful, all-honorable, personality of divinelike stature that could be said to be grace or forgiveness, THEMSELVES. It is a residual force within all people (search "Alienism") that I aim to bring to the surface; harbor and introduce, into the lives of all possible. Oddly, yes, I am actually not a cultist at all, and in fact, I am Anti-theistic. I (and the Modes of Thought I harbor) regard Spirituality as being something only free when Personal; "Spirit-to-Spirit" connection. To forgo this by introducing systems is not to transfer true Spirituality. It has been mucked with dogma. Disgusting and repulsive.

Yeah, yeah, I desire to be worshipped and receiving of devotion. But, actually, I have something that may come as a shock to introduce here. Here: Kamideres of my type seem remarkably willing, comfortable, and even comforted by the prospects of worshipping or giving up devotion unto others. In fact, I am genuinely only alive for the sake of helping as many others as I possibly can, since I have figured no one else could or would. (It is actually like something in-between both 'could' and 'would', since they are simply incapable, but they could create their own capability through sacrifice or intense intelligence/superintelligence.)

"So why aren't you the stereotype?" First of all, fuck you. Secondly, there is one song that made me reflect on why I think I resonate so differently than others. That is the song SIMP (not Squirrels In My Pants). On a more deep, innate level, I noticed I feel like I relate to the story very intensely. This came off as particularly odd to me, as I am nowhere near as callous as the portrayals in that video or song. Yet, I relate strongly to the other mindsets, experiences, and even some directives mentioned in it. ALL I could fathom/put together about this difference was that it seemed like the song itself had a strong gravitation towards Capitalist or even haughty Ideals as an end. Whereas, I would likely receive all of these things as, simply, means to ends. I am Leftist to the greatest extent possible; even past that of Communism, and that definitely shapes my difference in how I receive ideas such as Financial Domination (a funny concept to mention). That, for example, is something I have said I'd definitely be willing to do, but only towards those that are rich (in a sense of production; not big numbers/currencies, as per genuine Leftist Ideals). My reasoning for this is simply that I am poor. Or, better yet, the world is insufferably poor. We deserve the fortunes to be allocated to us, by any means easiest and least aggressive. I am mostly amoral of a person. So, considering that I could have fun, win, and the other person could gain their own satisfaction, what the fuck could possibly be the harm?? Of course nothing. However, the SIMP song's main character is obviously portrayed as being a shallow whore for (quick) cash. Where they show callousness, I show generosity. Where they take, I give, in fortunes and blessings. Gift. Where they would wish to dominate the world if possible, I would only do it if absolutely necessary and performable by me. As a Rationalist, I have to say I don't find any way that would ever be necessary. As an Alienist, I have to say it's even dumber of a concept.

A vent.
To vent my frustrations, I must put those around me down. This, in of itself, is an intrusive thought of mine. I hate the thought that I cannot love everyone. But such is getting past the idealization phase of things. I realized forever ago that there is absolutely nothing one can have of the positive without the negative, ultimately. This seems to resound more and more true with my life, on and on... I have to give up so much for the meager hope of things getting better. And all those around me seem to majority be bumbling idiots I would never make the same mistakes of. I have no remorse for this recognition of them. I want them out of my way. Sometimes, those are the only people I love. The only people I have to depend on. Then, I still hate them. It is from that dependency on them that I hate them, really. I cannot understand myself fully yet, but I'm realizing that my BPD doesn't seem to make me think in black-and-white extremes. No, I don't know where that comes from. I simply seem to favor black-and-white extremes.

Here is a proxy. I am the "Trans-fat" type. If that makes no sense to you, just shut up and listen. It is a dumb but short way of saying I feel some type of dysphoria for not being on the heavier side of living my life. This is "TMI" for some, but you're reading your divinity's bio here. I am not some NPC to meet your expectations on your questline. I am to directly interrupt that, with my divinelike prowess. My Uniqueness. So, getting to my point; I grew up coming to around the (chrono) age of 10 or 11, before thinking about just trying to put on some weight. I just had the meager (simple) question of what it would be like to be chubbier, or something such. So I had planned on trying it, until my sister of my main family brutally harassed me for my weight, in front of my mom, on Halloween. I don't know what happened from then-on. My father was already a drunkard that spent all our money on absolutely ludicrous amounts of beer a day (I am serious when I say it is mind-blowing, the amounts he'd drink a day). Then, with my mom also being a raging alcoholic, and a heavy smoker for the time (which ruined my lungs), it came to be that I'd have no food. Anything I ate was meek and unimplosive. Sometimes, I remember trying to down plain bread with nothing else to try and get more calories in or feel fuller. We were very poor. Almost to the point of poverty; similar to now. This is to also understate, dramatically, the totality of events surrounding this topic that occurred. I mean, I was obscenely belittled all this time and forced away from food. I would be told I "do not need it", or other gaslighting responses, by my mom. I was successfully forced into Anorexia that nearly killed me at certain times, and otherwise, became one of the larger struggles of my entire life. It has been about a decade since, and only now, am I somewhat coming past it. And I realize, only now, that I idealized the idea of becoming larger too fucking strongly during all of that time. I realized just yesterday or today that I was not actually EVER that sure about the prospects of gaining weight like that... It was just something I wanted to try. Now, I feel it may be for me. But I think one thing that killed me all these years was the idea it must be eating absolutely nothing, or eating everything, and any in-between would always be strongly upsetting. Always in extremes, and never moderates. Such is how I came to Bulimia in the ends of my eating disorder. And, even now, I'd say I still have one. I am not cured. I have huge, unresolved issues. Prithee.