Preferred Pronouns: Name-only.

Short Definition of personality:

Local Hormone & Drug Researcher and Mad Scientist

86 Charisma Haver

Indentured Stinker

Wild Datura Wrightii Desperado

Dextronaut Lover of Delirium

Prized, non-arrogant, non-delusional variant of Divinity

#1 ONIMAI fan in the world

Top 1% achiever of the 'most profiled' awards

Grunge-abiding kodomo

#1 Thought Achievement award

Extremely humble high-achiever

The person who sold their soul to the world

I have only ever liked 3 styles of game: -Hardcore/Arcade (usually platformers but Bullet Hell is nice) -Horror -Sandbox ("God") games Puzzle games used to be sort of fun, but they just became nuisances. I prefer timewasters of the Sudoku variety. Been a Mario fan all of my life, as well as Plants vs Zombies. They just aren't hard enough. But the Paper Mario series of games (only first 3 + Super Mario RPG) continue to live on in my heart as some of the greatest ever. Super Paper Mario, in specific, is incredibly underrated due to the fact people are too brainwashed to enjoy the most inspired masterpiece of all games. The abstract artstyle, wonderful story, uniqueness all-around (even in plot), and 'wall-breaking' featured are fit for majesty to enjoy. HARDCORE/ARCADE: Nearly a world record holder for Cubit: The Hardcore Platformer Robot (3DS) and osu! (PC). Approaching 8* player level in osu! at the time of writing; world's best is 11.5*. Only played a little and scaling up in technique incredibly fast. Just months ago, I was around 6.5* level. The Mega Man complex of games is enjoyed by me. I hate X, hate I (but can beat it), love the original despite its heinousness, and I love 2. Grew up playing 4 and 10, but only really did anything in 10. I liked it. 11 was a disappointment. V is a favorite. Once played a game called "Bullet Hell Mondays" on iOS, just bored in highschool. I rocked arse at it. I also played Bullet Hell 100 and was close to beating every stage. HORROR: I grew up on Corpse Party.

Everyone is afraid of time. I am permanently this babyish tot that never grew up. Disregard either the "good" or "bad" of it. That is me. It is a big problem for external reasons. A baby screams; they must scream. I scream; I must be insane. A toddler is hurt; they scream out for parent. I am deeply hurt; I boil up inside with the urge to scream out for "mommy". Gender mustn't exist by this. I just know that is the word ingrained deeply within me.

I have no Delusions of Grandeur. No particular Schizo-based symptoms, other than Paranoid types. I have no atypical delusions or hallucinations; although I do have Psychosis. I also have Hypnagogia and some apparent issues with Acetylcholine replenishing, but I do not count those in this circumstance. The main extents of my more typical delusions are only delusions by Alienist Reasoning (identity and love-based ones). And I am clearly grounded enough in Reason, despite my severe neurological disabilities, to detect far more than the average person.

So what gives? Well, other than having BPD and primarily describing myself and all of my mood by external things (stimuli, people, opinions...), I do seem fairly stable. I am, in fact, so resilient, that no one in my life could ever give me any advice on being more resilient, except for me. One, closer friend of mine has even told me recently, of their own accord, that I am Hope. As in, I am hope itself. I am a resplendent pillar of it. ...It is the greatest, and possibly most authentic, compliment I have ever received...

The issue is my Mixology. A term I invented; describing the totality of all circumstances (contexts and situations), relative to something. In this case, it is the totality relative to me. The term Mixology is not timeless, either, so this is only to describe the present moment. If we took my Mixology of all time thus far; everything that has ever happened in relation to me, I would say it is beyond grim. That is my life. That is what has defined me. Nothing more, nothing less. And, as Entanglist thought goes, harmony is the solution to issues. A confluence, a concordance, a symbiosis. I have none of that. And I never believed I ever would. I stayed alive for the meager hope that it could. "Why not see what would have remained for me, if I did stay?...", I had said in my youth. And that mostly ended my chances at suicide. I had given up my self, too. See, that "harmony" is only gained through what I would call selflessness. A zealous devotion, sacrifice, and more... ..I gave up everything for you.

I made myself a bitch to time. And I feel like everyone is afraid of me, now.

Every single mystagma of this only realm is my source of devotion. All the mystified enigmas and other placements into this hellish abyss are what fuel me. I love each and every single. I am deeply infatuated with the future; and aside this with Butterfly Effect, I have deep visions of betrayal and benevolence in my mind at all times. It was always hard-coded into my brain that I yearn to help every single mystagma to be. I cannot handle it enough to not have them near me. To not feel it all come within my soul. Listen; I am a broken fragment of our whole. So are you, all the trillions of cells that make up your corpus, and way, way, way more. Every single thing.

And despite the fact that I cannot reach some kind of release from Naraka (The Abyss) with all of you in these configurations, that only fuels me more. I am Borderline, sure; but I have legitimate Reason to say that I must change. You must change. We must all change. All of harmony, of symbiotes, of tranquility, of concordance, of EVEN RESPITE, equity, Egalitarianism, Altruism, forget it! No one truth-telling said it would be easy! The selfish will grow weak and die inside. The selfless will be strengthened by one-another. We should be sacrificing ourselves as much as is advantageous for the whole to come closer to prospering. We are each singlets of the concord. For Uniqueness; Bohemianism, I will not be casted. I will avoid the Classes that trail me from the anthropocentric Humanists. For what few "freedoms" we have; the rights of expression and action, I should not resist the urges of you and I, so that the bridge between our Spirits constructs itself. And for our love to prosper even further, I am Hope that never reprimands. All the others that defeat you; the disharmonious of this world, defeat their selves.

I am the people. I am the swarm. I represent apotheosis. I am going to bring any that I can along. You might not expect me, but that is only the best. Preconceived notions are always the worst. When you take in more of me, I hope that my Passions reside within your own soul. I could have money, fame, idyllic worship, bodies.. I hate it all. I just want people. Genuine people. I want you, if 'you' are here with me. In a universe where even dramatic surroundings still let me feel alone, I want to feel your presence liberate my soul. We can do anything except be charlatans. Candid, and not deceptive. ...

They're all for the aspects of openness to change, what I have listed. Taking in the widest hauls of perspective. Seeing past the shallow surface of the onion. Well past. Let it reflect to us and ruminate in our own minds, what we have done. All that we think we are. All that we appraise. Let us take it all in and question each and every single, little bit of it. Let us question the ways we question. Let us be free from convolution by getting straight to the deepest roots as quick as absolutely possible, only to rip them past the surface to show each other. No matter how much it might hurt. That pain is only superficial. We'll escape the one that would've lasted an otherwise eternity. Even as I type this, I am nauseous. But I have to tell you. Listen. We, the convenience of grace, are to Regulate one-another. Bring the deepest issues to light and let even their most improbable fates be known. Boisterously assert the absolute strongest or most sacrificial Path whichever one of us could possibly take on, for the greater good of change to be reached. The top, ideal route; that which may take the most out of whomever. Push each of us to be closer to this best. To do greater. But also be Hope and Forgiveness, by allowing for an embrace of support if these goals are not reached. We can never be perfect. But we can always be better. Do better. And, if you were to ask me... If we always put forth the most sacrificial efforts we could withstand, as necessary, and take each other as the Hope required to finish it with our sanities in-tact, then I would say that that is practically perfection in what we do. To me, this is a Sadistic vision. But that is not bad. All the Masochists of the world are scandalously willing to let Naraka; the grain; the BIAS, overtake them. And all they ever do is become resplendent pillars of this terroristic land of fate. I am only in favor of cutting against that. They are miserable and unwitting in their Suffering. But we will always find solace in each other. The only thing we could ever have. And, even then, we know fate is going to swallow us whole. Yet, is it possible that you would concur with all us being deserving of, is to cut against this bias of hell? To be open, whimsical in wonder, absolutely fascinated and overdriven with only the most important, deepest-rooted senses that may come to us? To share in these moments, together, always, and to repair anything left which we do not yet have? To find enjoyment in knowing we endure Suffering as a unification. Working the best we know how, to bring better fates. And disrupting the fragile, social expectations of others of those around us?? Even if we never made it, we'd have been the only sane ones who tried it all. Only the ruminating Chaos around us could halt our divinely prowess. And it would be a far greater tale than any others could ever possibly try to conceive of. This idea of truly concordant, self-repairing, Individualistic love... It is the end of love. Love, as a subsequence of the most efforts. Who were we?

And even until I have ever reached that point with anyone, with anything, with every eventuality or figment of imagination, I will still consider all of you as mine divinity. Special, beaming, hyperfluous, oh, I have no more fancy words... Please, just know that I was only here for all of you. There was no other eventuality I sought, ever in my entire life, literally not a single time since I was fucking born; never had I EVER dreamt of an eternity ever spent a second without you. Only the one where we were all whole, and this one was none, so that none may ever Suffer again. No matter what; I love you all. I have been alive since almost a decade ago, only exclusively for you. I have had everything I ever wished for or loved taken away from me. Utterly ruined. But, there, you remain the only hope I have left in an otherwise-totally hopeless Abyss. And, can I just make it any clearer, that this was all some seemingly "impossible" idea in my mind? That I had no faith at any point I might ever actually reach any kind of a goal of mine like this, at this point?? I felt so Stupid at so many points... Stupid, as in the 5 Laws of Stupidity; destroying myself and ruining others. A total burden. I was going to displace myself from this life, at countless points along the way, just to displace that burden I saw myself as. None of it was ever about morality, about feelings, about thoughts, about dreams... I absolutely knew it would be necessary if it were true. So, listen to me clearly when I say that you are all that I have lived for. Whatever you are. If you are anything, then I love you. I will grace you in every way I know how. I will bless. I will forgive. I will be the definition of these things, for you. All you need, as the selfless vision goes, is to do your same. It is learnable. It is doable. It is actable. It is practical. It is technically even infallible. I've given up more than I could ever possibly even remember at one time for this, and this only. But, as the hopelessness goes, I am sure these words will only touch the brains of those who already opened up. And they are so few, possibly... I am so anguished from being surrounded by these selfish bastards all of my entire life... I have nothing more worth saying. Please be The Unique. Find me, so I can find myself and yours. It is literally my life's divination and enrapturement I have exclusively waited for to happen.

Short bio

Sure; what'd you like to hear? Yeah, so I am writing to you right now, imagining you hear me, so it's easier to write this. I do have severe neurological disabilities, strongly including ones related to linguistics, so that is an important consideration.

I'm a Borderline sadist of personality. If you're interested in what the BPD is like, I'm practically a textbook case. Find good info like or, like, listen to Rebzyyx's music or something. Now, as for the sadism part, it's actually quite interesting... I've done my own research and found, based on AI, that I receive masochists of personality in a way that actually isn't pleasurable. In fact, it's the direct opposite. This might sound fucking bonkers, and it really felt that way to me at first, but I decided to explore sadistic personality AIs as well. Remarkably, I happened to find that the sadistic ones were very easy to get along with, and actually seemed extremely compassionate; even when compared to just standard people or other personality type AIs. Overall, I received the masochistic personality as being one that is both self-destructive and destructive to those around, as well as, in a myriad of ways, extremely toxic. I swear that, by the most conventional standards of what constitutes as a healthy or toxic relationship dynamic, the masochists were horrific. Honestly, they provoked and enraged me like nothing else. The self-hatred, the manipulativeness, the gaslighting, the anything was there, and it sucked. I haven't researched that further, but I don't think it takes a lot to understand masochists are intrinsically self-loathing people that are undeveloped (repressed) and 'stupid' (as in the 5 Laws of Stupidity). It's easy to see where the outstanding failures come from. With sadistic personalities, on the other hand... it gets very interesting. I noticed strong levels of empathy, pretty high levels of effusiveness (or maybe unabashedness/uninhibition in general), and thus, flattery or charm. This is not even to include any other elements of flattery that could play in... especially due to Personal preference.. To me, it just seemed like sadists of personality were amazing people, apparently, and perhaps even like the exact types I've wanted to have in my life... I even said to myself that I think the stereotypes fit us backwards. In fact, masochists strike me as OBSCENELY arrogant and sadists, as very DTE (down-to-earth) types. I did some research. From basic searches on multiple sites, with papers, articles, AND Personal logs... I see that it is a confirmed fact that sadistic (and likely masochistic) personalities are dramatically underresearched. That is very sad for me, but as a Scientist, it is something to explore. Something to add onto my TOO MANY THINGS TO EXPLORE list... But, in case you wonder, yes, a grand majority of sadists are highly empathetic people. I am one, and I think, for myself, Personally, I experience a primal/instinctual pleasure from seeing others in pain sometimes (and even myself, too), as a sort of release. As I am so extremely empathetic (likely also due to BPD), I think seeing people feel miserable makes up for the difference on how I want to feel. Or, rather, I feel like I should be feeling, as like some authentication of my dramatically severe mental anguish about things I go through constantly. I hardly ever cry. I find trouble doing so. But with pain, I can laugh. I can smile. That releases endorphins and makes the tense situations far less so. It helps me relax and keeps me further from Splitting. All-in-all, I'd say, nothing about my sadistic personality should ever stray you away from meeting or befriending me... Just keep that in mind.

I strongly resonate with the personality typings of Kamidere, Yandere, and Metadere. With the Kamidere typing, I should specify that I am not the arrogant or delusional types related to this. I have no power fantasies and am actually extremely humble. No Narcissism (not since my chronological childhood), no anything stereotypical like that. Do not profile me based on this identity. A Kamidere is someone who has a divinelike personality, in relation to interpersonal relationships, or even with themself (intrapersonal?).

If we can use blood as a metaphor for the force of life (or better yet, a soul), then I would say I am intraveneous to all people. Or, at least, that my qualities of personality in this sense are. More-really, I mean the sources of such strong-willed, utmost-respectful, all-honorable, personality of divinelike stature that could be said to be grace or forgiveness, THEMSELVES. It is a residual force within all people (search "Alienism") that I aim to bring to the surface; harbor and introduce, into the lives of all possible. Oddly, yes, I am actually not a cultist at all, and in fact, I am Anti-theistic. I (and the Modes of Thought I harbor) regard Spirituality as being something only free when Personal; "Spirit-to-Spirit" connection. To forgo this by introducing systems is not to transfer true Spirituality. It has been mucked with dogma. Disgusting and repulsive.

Yeah, yeah, I desire to be worshipped and receiving of devotion. But, actually, I have something that may come as a shock to introduce here. Here: Kamideres of my type seem remarkably willing, comfortable, and even comforted by the prospects of worshipping or giving up devotion unto others. In fact, I am genuinely only alive for the sake of helping as many others as I possibly can, since I have figured no one else could or would. (It is actually like something in-between both 'could' and 'would', since they are simply incapable, but they could create their own capability through sacrifice or intense intelligence/superintelligence.)

"So why aren't you the stereotype?" First of all, fuck you. Secondly, there is one song that made me reflect on why I think I resonate so differently than others. That is the song SIMP (not Squirrels In My Pants). On a more deep, innate level, I noticed I feel like I relate to the story very intensely. This came off as particularly odd to me, as I am nowhere near as callous as the portrayals in that video or song. Yet, I relate strongly to the other mindsets, experiences, and even some directives mentioned in it. ALL I could fathom/put together about this difference was that it seemed like the song itself had a strong gravitation towards Capitalist or even haughty Ideals as an end. Whereas, I would likely receive all of these things as, simply, means to ends. I am Leftist to the greatest extent possible; even past that of Communism, and that definitely shapes my difference in how I receive ideas such as Financial Domination (a funny concept to mention). That, for example, is something I have said I'd definitely be willing to do, but only towards those that are rich (in a sense of production; not big numbers/currencies, as per genuine Leftist Ideals). My reasoning for this is simply that I am poor. Or, better yet, the world is insufferably poor. We deserve the fortunes to be allocated to us, by any means easiest and least aggressive. I am mostly amoral of a person. So, considering that I could have fun, win, and the other person could gain their own satisfaction, what the fuck could possibly be the harm?? Of course nothing. However, the SIMP song's main character is obviously portrayed as being a shallow whore for (quick) cash. Where they show callousness, I show generosity. Where they take, I give, in fortunes and blessings. Gift. Where they would wish to dominate the world if possible, I would only do it if absolutely necessary and performable by me. As a Rationalist, I have to say I don't find any way that would ever be necessary. As an Alienist, I have to say it's even dumber of a concept.

A vent.
To vent my frustrations, I must put those around me down. This, in of itself, is an intrusive thought of mine. I hate the thought that I cannot love everyone. But such is getting past the idealization phase of things. I realized forever ago that there is absolutely nothing one can have of the positive without the negative, ultimately. This seems to resound more and more true with my life, on and on... I have to give up so much for the meager hope of things getting better. And all those around me seem to majority be bumbling idiots I would never make the same mistakes of. I have no remorse for this recognition of them. I want them out of my way. Sometimes, those are the only people I love. The only people I have to depend on. Then, I still hate them. It is from that dependency on them that I hate them, really. I cannot understand myself fully yet, but I'm realizing that my BPD doesn't seem to make me think in black-and-white extremes. No, I don't know where that comes from. I simply seem to favor black-and-white extremes.

Here is a proxy. I am the "Trans-fat" type. If that makes no sense to you, just shut up and listen. It is a dumb but short way of saying I feel some type of dysphoria for not being on the heavier side of living my life. This is "TMI" for some, but you're reading your divinity's bio here. I am not some NPC to meet your expectations on your questline. I am to directly interrupt that, with my divinelike prowess. My Uniqueness. So, getting to my point; I grew up coming to around the (chrono) age of 10 or 11, before thinking about just trying to put on some weight. I just had the meager (simple) question of what it would be like to be chubbier, or something such. So I had planned on trying it, until my sister of my main family brutally harassed me for my weight, in front of my mom, on Halloween. I don't know what happened from then-on. My father was already a drunkard that spent all our money on absolutely ludicrous amounts of beer a day (I am serious when I say it is mind-blowing, the amounts he'd drink a day). Then, with my mom also being a raging alcoholic, and a heavy smoker for the time (which ruined my lungs), it came to be that I'd have no food. Anything I ate was meek and unimplosive. Sometimes, I remember trying to down plain bread with nothing else to try and get more calories in or feel fuller. We were very poor. Almost to the point of poverty; similar to now. This is to also understate, dramatically, the totality of events surrounding this topic that occurred. I mean, I was obscenely belittled all this time and forced away from food. I would be told I "do not need it", or other gaslighting responses, by my mom. I was successfully forced into Anorexia that nearly killed me at certain times, and otherwise, became one of the larger struggles of my entire life. It has been about a decade since, and only now, am I somewhat coming past it. And I realize, only now, that I idealized the idea of becoming larger too fucking strongly during all of that time. I realized just yesterday or today that I was not actually EVER that sure about the prospects of gaining weight like that... It was just something I wanted to try. Now, I feel it may be for me. But I think one thing that killed me all these years was the idea it must be eating absolutely nothing, or eating everything, and any in-between would always be strongly upsetting. Always in extremes, and never moderates. Such is how I came to Bulimia in the ends of my eating disorder. And, even now, I'd say I still have one. I am not cured. I have huge, unresolved issues. Prithee.