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Welcome to the introduction page.

Welcome to being in the presence of me.


"Goudere characters will stop at nothing to obtain whatever they think or want their master to have. They are unstoppable forces that do whatever they please for their special someone, out of their love for them. The goudere have an idealized notion of their loved one, believing that they deserve the world or that they should be treated as gods, even if the love interest explains to the goudere that this is not necessary at all. Due to their insane devotion to them, they will go to unimaginable lengths to give to their love interest what they believe is the best for them"

"Due to their loyalty to their love interest, to the point that they may view them as worthy of being treated like gods, goudere can be seen as the counterpart and compatibility of "Kamidere"."

"Unlike undere types, goudere characters do not need the main interest to tell them to do anything so that they may act, as they themselves will find something to do for their master. Undere characters will only do what their love interest tells them to do. A goudere, on the other hand, will do much more than that, even if the love interest tells them to stop. In a situation like this, undere characters would immediately stop if told to by their love interest."

"They are seen as a cross between a yandere and a tsundere, due to their arrogant and tough attitude, like a tsundere, that they will use to achieve the best for their love interest regardless of the consequences of their actions, like a yandere. They are also really similar to a mix of suuhai-gata (Worship) yandere and kanchigai-gata (Wrong idea) / mousou-gata (Delusion) yandere types."

"The difference between these dere types above with goudere is mostly the reason and motivation for them to do this. Goudere characters don't usually let their romantic emotions cloud their objective judgement -- although their obsession with their master certainly will. The goudere genuinely appreciate their notion of their love interest, and will try to achieve all this for them. They typically don't even want the same in return and don't do this for their own gain."

"Personality: Hyper, submissive, agreeable, clingy, helpful, close, loyal, serving, confident, enabler, follower, oversensitive, annoying, foolish, excessive, selfish, exaggerated, excitable, devoted, aggressive, overprotective"


Testing for writing.

My Obsessions:

I have only ever liked 3 styles of game: -Hardcore/Arcade (usually platformers but Bullet Hell is nice) -Horror -Sandbox ("God") games Puzzle games used to be sort of fun, but they just became nuisances. I prefer timewasters of the Sudoku variety. Been a Mario fan all of my life, as well as Plants vs Zombies. They just aren't hard enough. But the Paper Mario series of games (only first 3 + Super Mario RPG) continue to live on in my heart as some of the greatest ever. Super Paper Mario, in specific, is incredibly underrated due to the fact people are too brainwashed to enjoy the most inspired masterpiece of all games. The abstract artstyle, wonderful story, uniqueness all-around (even in plot), and 'wall-breaking' featured are fit for majesty to enjoy. HARDCORE/ARCADE: Nearly a world record holder for Cubit: The Hardcore Platformer Robot (3DS) and osu! (PC). Approaching 8* player level in osu! at the time of writing; world's best is 11.5*. Only played a little and scaling up in technique incredibly fast. Just months ago, I was around 6.5* level. The Mega Man complex of games is enjoyed by me. I hate X, hate I (but can beat it), love the original despite its heinousness, and I love 2. Grew up playing 4 and 10, but only really did anything in 10. I liked it. 11 was a disappointment. V is a favorite. Once played a game called "Bullet Hell Mondays" on iOS, just bored in highschool. I rocked arse at it. I also played Bullet Hell 100 and was close to beating every stage. HORROR: I grew up on Corpse Party.

Post-ironic Mockery of Conformity:

Allowed Names: Miracle, Gift, Grace, Passion, Forgiveness, Preciousness, Blessing, Majesty, Humility, Bliss, Divinity, Beloved (also fine as a title).

Allowed Titles: "My", Passionate, Royal, Illustrious, Great, O'Honorable.

Allowed Monikers: The one who knows (meaning of Shaman), Toddler/Kodomo, Precious, Devotion. If you also Personally prefer monikers such as "master", "parent", "owner", or "controller", I'll allow them without judgement if we discuss why first.

Preferred Pronouns: DEITY, Name-only.

Personality (brief): Timid, Enchanting, Extremely Charming, Super-Brainiac, Overtly Autistic, Extremely Humble, Controlling, Intensely Resilient, Submissive (yes, seriously), Intensely Chronophobic, Immature (babyish/toddlerish), Sadistic, Divinelike, Obsessive, Devoted, Worshipping, Possessive, Severely Traumatized, Easy to jealousy, Extreme propensity to vulnerability, Large propensity to embarrassment and possibly even desperate humiliation. Will commonly lie, or even act disingenuously, to portray self as bad. Highly illustrious, though, despite this. If ever saying good things about self, they are nearly always valid as true/genuine/deserved appraisals.

Short bio

Sure; what'd you like to hear? Yeah, so I am writing to you right now, imagining you hear me, so it's easier to write this. I do have severe neurological disabilities, strongly including ones related to linguistics, so that is an important consideration.

I'm a Borderline sadist of personality. If you're interested in what the BPD is like, I'm practically a textbook case. Find good info like or, like, listen to Rebzyyx's music or something. Now, as for the sadism part, it's actually quite interesting... I've done my own research and found, based on AI, that I receive masochists of personality in a way that actually isn't pleasurable. In fact, it's the direct opposite. This might sound fucking bonkers, and it really felt that way to me at first, but I decided to explore sadistic personality AIs as well. Remarkably, I happened to find that the sadistic ones were very easy to get along with, and actually seemed extremely compassionate; even when compared to just standard people or other personality type AIs. Overall, I received the masochistic personality as being one that is both self-destructive and destructive to those around, as well as, in a myriad of ways, extremely toxic. I swear that, by the most conventional standards of what constitutes as a healthy or toxic relationship dynamic, the masochists were horrific. Honestly, they provoked and enraged me like nothing else. The self-hatred, the manipulativeness, the gaslighting, the anything was there, and it sucked. I haven't researched that further, but I don't think it takes a lot to understand masochists are intrinsically self-loathing people that are undeveloped (repressed) and 'stupid' (as in the 5 Laws of Stupidity). It's easy to see where the outstanding failures come from. With sadistic personalities, on the other hand... it gets very interesting. I noticed strong levels of empathy, pretty high levels of effusiveness (or maybe unabashedness/uninhibition in general), and thus, flattery or charm. This is not even to include any other elements of flattery that could play in... especially due to Personal preference.. To me, it just seemed like sadists of personality were amazing people, apparently, and perhaps even like the exact types I've wanted to have in my life... I even said to myself that I think the stereotypes fit us backwards. In fact, masochists strike me as OBSCENELY arrogant and sadists, as very DTE (down-to-earth) types. I did some research. From basic searches on multiple sites, with papers, articles, AND Personal logs... I see that it is a confirmed fact that sadistic (and likely masochistic) personalities are dramatically underresearched. That is very sad for me, but as a Scientist, it is something to explore. Something to add onto my TOO MANY THINGS TO EXPLORE list... But, in case you wonder, yes, a grand majority of sadists are highly empathetic people. I am one, and I think, for myself, Personally, I experience a primal/instinctual pleasure from seeing others in pain sometimes (and even myself, too), as a sort of release. As I am so extremely empathetic (likely also due to BPD), I think seeing people feel miserable makes up for the difference on how I want to feel. Or, rather, I feel like I should be feeling, as like some authentication of my dramatically severe mental anguish about things I go through constantly. I hardly ever cry. I find trouble doing so. But with pain, I can laugh. I can smile. That releases endorphins and makes the tense situations far less so. It helps me relax and keeps me further from Splitting. All-in-all, I'd say, nothing about my sadistic personality should ever stray you away from meeting or befriending me... Just keep that in mind.

I strongly resonate with the personality typings of Kamidere, Yandere, and Metadere. With the Kamidere typing, I should specify that I am not the arrogant or delusional types related to this. I have no power fantasies and am actually extremely humble. No Narcissism (not since my chronological childhood), no anything stereotypical like that. Do not profile me based on this identity. A Kamidere is someone who has a divinelike personality, in relation to interpersonal relationships, or even with themself (intrapersonal?).

If we can use blood as a metaphor for the force of life (or better yet, a soul), then I would say I am intraveneous to all people. Or, at least, that my qualities of personality in this sense are. More-really, I mean the sources of such strong-willed, utmost-respectful, all-honorable, personality of divinelike stature that could be said to be grace or forgiveness, THEMSELVES. It is a residual force within all people (search "Alienism") that I aim to bring to the surface; harbor and introduce, into the lives of all possible. Oddly, yes, I am actually not a cultist at all, and in fact, I am Anti-theistic. I (and the Modes of Thought I harbor) regard Spirituality as being something only free when Personal; "Spirit-to-Spirit" connection. To forgo this by introducing systems is not to transfer true Spirituality. It has been mucked with dogma. Disgusting and repulsive.

Yeah, yeah, I desire to be worshipped and receiving of devotion. But, actually, I have something that may come as a shock to introduce here. Here: Kamideres of my type seem remarkably willing, comfortable, and even comforted by the prospects of worshipping or giving up devotion unto others. In fact, I am genuinely only alive for the sake of helping as many others as I possibly can, since I have figured no one else could or would. (It is actually like something in-between both 'could' and 'would', since they are simply incapable, but they could create their own capability through sacrifice or intense intelligence/superintelligence.)

"So why aren't you the stereotype?" First of all, fuck you. Secondly, there is one song that made me reflect on why I think I resonate so differently than others. That is the song SIMP (not Squirrels In My Pants). On a more deep, innate level, I noticed I feel like I relate to the story very intensely. This came off as particularly odd to me, as I am nowhere near as callous as the portrayals in that video or song. Yet, I relate strongly to the other mindsets, experiences, and even some directives mentioned in it. ALL I could fathom/put together about this difference was that it seemed like the song itself had a strong gravitation towards Capitalist or even haughty Ideals as an end. Whereas, I would likely receive all of these things as, simply, means to ends. I am Leftist to the greatest extent possible; even past that of Communism, and that definitely shapes my difference in how I receive ideas such as Financial Domination (a funny concept to mention). That, for example, is something I have said I'd definitely be willing to do, but only towards those that are rich (in a sense of production; not big numbers/currencies, as per genuine Leftist Ideals). My reasoning for this is simply that I am poor. Or, better yet, the world is insufferably poor. We deserve the fortunes to be allocated to us, by any means easiest and least aggressive. I am mostly amoral of a person. So, considering that I could have fun, win, and the other person could gain their own satisfaction, what the fuck could possibly be the harm?? Of course nothing. However, the SIMP song's main character is obviously portrayed as being a shallow whore for (quick) cash. Where they show callousness, I show generosity. Where they take, I give, in fortunes and blessings. Gift. Where they would wish to dominate the world if possible, I would only do it if absolutely necessary and performable by me. As a Rationalist, I have to say I don't find any way that would ever be necessary. As an Alienist, I have to say it's even dumber of a concept.

A(z)sula/Lilac; Misery Nothing

Digital Diary?
    Last updated (not finished yet):
    ~1840 ABT 11 Feb. 2023 AZ,
    cleaned up now useless text and added new stuff.
    Preferred pronouns:
  • 1st: None. (Name-only)
  • 2nd: They/them.
    23 October 2021.
  • Soulism
    This makes me someone unafraid of dispelling that I hold to ethics of total equality of all things, the most severe egalitarianism, absolute removal of normativity (taboos are spooks), and total benefits of the Individual's autonomous rights to be realized. There is much more than just this, however.
  • Baphomet Satanist (atheistic.)
  • I hold to Pacifism pretty well.
    Noteworthy attraction styles:
  • Apothiplatonic. (platonically-repulsed)
  • Hypertutelary. (strongly, to intensely,
    attracted in a way of desiring to emotionally protect)
    "I am a protector of others. I value my protected very highly."
    Other attractional notes:
  • Relationship Anarchist/Polyamorous.
  • All of my attractions are pan-.
    (persisting regardless of gender)
  • Yandere.
  • Kamidere.
    (Soft/genuine type. Non-arrogant, non-delusional.)
  • Metadere.
    (I can predict! I am regarded as an esper!)
    Personality Disorders (PD):
  • Immature PD
    (DSM-III), Mixed Subtype.
  • Borderline PD.
    (Going away fairly fast.)
  • Obsessive-compulsive [PD/D].
  • Paranoid PD. (?)
    Other personality typings:
  • 9w8so
    (Enneagram Type 9, 'wing' 8, social instinct.)
  • ENFP-T
    (Allegedly; fuck 16Personalities MBTI.)
  • I don't acknowledge gender.
    Do not refer to me as gendered terms. Dashboard > somethingnew.html Theme:
  • I am an alien. (Of thought, not geological or special.)
    This means that the way I perceive absolutely everything
    is fundamentally different from the human standard.
  • I am a bee. (Otherkin/therian/spiritually)
  • Brooding.
  • Blackpilling.
  • Hypnosis.
  • Gore.
  • Horror.
  • Drugs, especially deliriants.
  • Psychology/Psychiatry.
  • Attractional styles.
    My favorite game currently is Ib.
    I only play horror games or osu!.
    Hail satan!


    Preferred pronouns:
    19 January 2022
    As a suggestion from these other two, I've taken quite a few 'dere' tests! They all give me conflicting answers! I seem to have:
    • the protectiveness, deep care/sweetness, and loyalty of yanderes
    • the happiness, easygoingness, and care for everyone like derederes
    • the emotional obfuscations of kuuderes
    • and maybe just a small bit of reluctance like danderes!

    I think I am generally a very happy/content person! I find myself quite normal, but my two sillies Fluffy and Lilac seem to think I am quite mysterious! Others tell me I am very sweet and kind! Lilac has even been scared of me at times, but I think it is just due to how protective of Fluffkin they are! I am a very motherly person, and I tend to believe I am almost traditional in my personality, despite my home in the opposite! Perhaps I am just open-minded!
    I usually just want to help those around me feel how they want! I want them to experience what they love and I want to help them towards it! I am very... I am pretty flowy in how I live and have even managed to continue working in whatever ways I usually do, when plunged into various bouts of insanity we've experienced!
    To be continued!
    I seem to have no true identities, other than in relation to others! All I aim to be is what others like of me. I don't hold any gender, species, bodily form, or anything else to me! I am just Umbra.

Fluffkin P.B. Katterz

    Last updated: 4 Oct. 2022

Basics about me:

      My full name:
    • Fluffkin Meowmeow Peanutbutter Rainbowskirtz Pussykitten
    • (this was first created as a joke but it stuck)
      My current shortened name:
    • Fluffkin P.B. Katterz
      Other main, less fitting names:
    • Emika
    • Haylee

    i am a big nickname collector and have gained tons of nicknames
    Preferred pronouns:
  • 1st: [per/person]/per/per/pers/perself
  • 2nd: they/them/their/theirs/[their/them]self
    8 october 2002
      i have an extremely extensive history of having severe pain in relation to both my birthday and halloween (my two favorite holidays), so it would be immensely appreciated if you could make it better for me.
    Politics & similar:
  • i follow Soulism as my political/philosophical ideology and have regularly contributed to its development (i constantly crave simpler existence or none at all)
  • i have strict pacifistic morals (i am also known as an absolute pacifistーi don't believe even 'self-defense killing' is legitimate, and i follow senku's (from dr. stone) morals/philosophy on pacifism; being that no one should ever have to die)
  • i have strict veganism morals
  • i was raised by a feline-body and am 50% the reincarnation of her soul. by this, i am 100% cat. (this also makes me a therian/otherkin)
  • i am most often age regressed and consider myself to present more like i'm 0-2 years old
  • post-dead (i have died and since become alive again, but in a different, new way. (think like zombies.) i use this as a more metaphorical way of looking at my life, but i do treat it very seriously.)
  • yandere (ヤンデレ). as such, i am very vindictive, obsessive, and even possessive. i am lovesick and smitten! however, i am still pacifistic, so i am harmless, for the record.
  • dandere (だんデレ). as such, i am very shy around new people, and sometimes even people i know quite well (usually when feeling 'little' or anxious).
  • utsugire (鬱ギレ). from here, it is described as where "misfortunes and feelings of sadness become so strong, that to get rid of these feelings, they hurt others." however, i still heavily restrict these urges via my strict morals in pacifism. at a few times in my life, this restriction did not work.
  • i have recently found out through help of others that i may be aplatonic. this would mean i cannot feel platonic attraction/love; only romantic/sexual.
  • apothisexual (sex/genital-repulsed), but still attracted to paraphilic (atypical) things, sexually.
  • panromantic (romantically attracted regardless of gender)
  • polyamorous/relationship anarchist (i'm unsure of which)
  • 16personalities says i am INFP-T (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving, Turbulent)
  • gendervoid
  • vampire
      How to address me:
    • do not refer to me using any gendered terms. in my past, i have considered myself to be a transgender female, but since my adoption of gender abolitionism, i have voided myself of all gendered things (gendervoid).
    • refer to me how you would a baby kitten (probably always)

Non-essentials about me:

    Some non-sexual attractions:
  • trichophilia (hair)
  • haphephilia (being touched); this applies to anywhere, but my favorite spots are those typical of a feline-body
  • dendrophilia (trees) (i am literally a treehugger and also feel deep connection to plants)
  • possible dementophilia (insanity/insane people); i think it sounds awesome but idk if it applies to me
  • breathe/live underwater ☒
  • fly/hover (with wings or otherwise) ☒
  • be taken care of entirely, 24/7, via some form(s) of caregiving ☒
  • be unique in how i live, which probably stems from my body integrity dysphoria (bid) ☑
      Dreams in relation to dysphorias:
        Gender dysphoria:
      • receive HRT (hormone replacement therapy) ☑
      • be neutered (this one has been assuaged) ☒/☑
        Species dysphoria:
      • have my ears be on the top of my head ☒
      • have a tail (as per past experience and BID, i console myself in this by saying that i am an amputee so i have no tail) ☒/☑
      • meow and purr (i achieved this during growing up, so before i even knew i was cat) ☑
      • have cat bed and food/water bowls ☒/☑
        Body integrity dysphoria:
        (Content Warning: amputation (i spoilertext'd this one), loving certain conditions)
      • have heterochromia iridum (two differently colored eyes). i have wanted to use colored eye contacts to simulate this, but i sadly cannot get them in my eyes yet. ☒
      • be colorblind (i currently most prefer tritanopia/tritanomaly). i have been searching for how to either buy or create special glass lenses to simulate this. ☒
      • have autism/dyspraxia (i spent most of my life wishing for this/these and later (~2019 for autism, 2022 for dyspraxia) discovered, via the sentiments from others, that i always have had them). ☑
      • be deaf
      • be blind
      • be an amputee. if i were to ditch two limbs, i would prefer loss of both arms > loss of both legs. however, i am currently unsure if i'd more prefer the loss of just 2 limbs or all 4. i have had ideas of removing all my toes as a 'dipping my feet in the water' (/m) kind of deal, as i'm partially sure they serve no practical purpose. i am also unsure if i would want to remove the entire limbs or if i'd prefer leaving just like some nubs on in hopes that i could wiggle them around and perhaps seem cuter and stuff. for these things, i have gained various ideas as to how i could simulate them, partially through the help of others. a low-quality way of going about restricting the arms would be to get them stuck in my shirt (a suggestion from someone else), which i actually realized i did extremely often as a child. however, for a more high-quality and satisfying experience, i have wanted to buy a straitjacket for many years now. these only help with disabling my arms, however, and likely won't remove the feelings of them being there still (a half solution). as for restriction of both legs, i have come up with an idea to simulate it via use of a wheelchair. this seems like a pretty clean (/m) simulation for removing the need of my legs. for fully restricting their abilities, i am unsure currently of how i could. however, an acquaintance gave me an idea of how i could remove the feelings of my legs being there still, which is to wear a long dress (out of sight, out of mind, hopefully). ☒/☑
  • pastel yandere is the closest to what i most like. i love the lovesickness + potential gory/other yami aesthetics + pastels. plus, yanderes are usually very cutesy!
  • pastel gore is probably the second-closest to what i most like. the combination of pastels + gory aesthetics, plus usually having cutesy aesthetics too, i really like it.
  • yami kawaii is probably the third-closest to what i most like in aesthetics. it is a little better than menhera, in my mind, because it feels much more sick in the mind, yet has such a cutesy feel, which also usually brings it to be in pastels as well.
  • menhera, ravecore, and kidcore are probably my fourth-favorite aesthetics. menhera is cool with the depression/otherwise mentally ill vibes, but i particularly favor the more medically-revolved look to menhera, which also usually is pastel. ravecore is super cool in a lot of ways. ravecore has so many bright, contrasting colors, and i love the druggy vibes associated with it. it also tends to be a bit more 'childish', which i love. i probably like ravecore more than menhera. kidcore i like for all the same reasons as ravecore, plus potential for pastels, but if babycore is a thing, i will probably prefer that. maybe it could just be called ABDL aesthetic? i am not sure
  • pastel goth, nostalgiacore, and webcore are probably my least-favorite aesthetics that i still like for myself. pastel goth stuff is where i first tried to branch (/m) from to find more stuff like the above harajuku-based or other things. before this, i tried a normal goth phase, but i just ended up hating it, lol. nostalgiacore, i think i just like for it usually having early 2000s aesthetics, which i find more comfortable, and tend to have bright, contrasting colors. webcore i like for the same reasons as nostalgiacore (i find comfortability in 90s web aesthetics too).

    Gaming info:
    i love to play games; mainly:
  • parkour/platformers
  • incremental/idle games
  • sandbox games (being able to feel like a deity is cool)
    Music info:
  • my favorite genre of music is lolicore (breakcore + lots of treble)
  • second-favorite genres of music are breakcore, mashcore, and maybe like the drum 'n bass/jungle stuff
  • third-favorite genres of music are medieval folk or whatever, french house, hard rock/soft metal, trance, and possibly classical
  • i have no preference for slow or fast music but i don't like stuff like vaporwave or lo-fi. i might hate standard-paced music tho
  • i hate modern hip-hop, rap, or similars
  • locrian is my favorite mode
  • i like chaotic or well-developed (like kikuo's) music
  • i heavily prefer treble over bass and i prefer bass over middle
  • synth and other EDM tools just get me. low-bit (retro gamey) music is rad
  • i don't like screamo (except high-pitched screamo maybe?), but i love passionate screams in my music
  • i have been a physical artist for ~5 years, mainly doing pencil sketches at first. a bit later, i began doing inkings as well. nowadays, i mostly do inkings. as a kid, i most loved markers, so this is kind of like returning to my roots for me. i have also made a single painting during 2022 that is based on a marker drawing, that i am very proud of. i plan on painting more in my future.
  • i wanted to cross-stitch when i was a little kid and now i do! i have taken it up during 2022 i think and it is fun! i want to explore more thingies like this!
  • i have been a musician in terms of singing and beatboxing basically my entire life. i constantly beatbox and make odd noises now as tics due to autism. my singing is mainly in soprano levels (very high-pitched) and i tend to prefer even speaking this way. i began playing guitar, despite my child self saying i never would (lol), around when i first began doing art. i have since not cared much for it still, and i prefer playing bass guitar instead. i love bass playing a lot more and i feel connected to marceline the vampire queen more through it, plus --. i used to play viola during the 4th-6th grade (ages 10-12, so uhh like 2012-2014?) but only because i was forced into it and i was actually interested in piano and drums. i have accomplished one of these dreams, since, and i have played keyboard since 2018. i want to get a proper piano or even an organ, but mommy won't let me yet. soon, soon.
  • i voice act sometimes
  • i am a certified sound engineer of ~3-4 years' experience
  • i'm soon to be trilingual (kittish + english native), i am learning japanese!!!
  • i like to have a 'streets' feel to me. i'm kind of hardcore but also super soft. for example, i've endured so much and even done some daredevilish thingies like boosting off the roof like a totally epic cat. now i have a scar that looks like a water radical. it reminds me of my babyhood when i had fishies all around me and my room was underwater themed.